Tonight, as my daughter was getting ready for bed, she threw a tantrum. We were almost finished with her regular routine, all three stories had been read. It was time to brush her teeth and we were going over the next steps.
Usually this means a 'once-upon-a-time' story and prayers, then lights out. From time to time we negotiate a variation: shadow puppets, a puzzle, back rub... Tonight, she wanted to do a puzzle. But, it was getting late and sometimes puzzles can take a while. Especially if they are missing pieces. So, I said no.
She reacted like a prisoner pleading for her life: "PLEASE, DADDY, PLEASE!!!!" I'm sorry, I said, but no. At this point, parenting becomes diplomacy. The lines have been drawn and the sides have been taken. The volume goes up, the tears begin to flow, and the passion and frustration at the injustice being done become hysterics.
It was interesting how clear the options became: I could give in to her demands and let her do the puzzle and it would all be over... so simple, so easy. Or I could stand my ground and maintain my position. In some ways, I love that she is willing to fight for what she wants. I never want her to lose that passion. But if I gave in, I would be creating a monster. Tonight is one thing, the problem becomes that she will expect me to cave the next night as well.
My inconsistency, becomes, consistently expected.
On the one hand, it is a bit arbitrary on my part to say no. At times in the past I have agreed to a bargain. I am certain that I will do so again in the future. Yet letting her think that she can change my mind at will is giving her too much power. And once you give that away it takes a long time to get it back (check out an episode of the Supernanny)!
On the other hand, it would have only cost me a couple of extra minutes of my time to let her do her puzzle, and it would have saveed my wife and I a lot of grief. Not to mention all of my daughters tears and frustration.
I'm not sure it really matters what I could have done. I made a decision, and once I said no, I was committed to that decision.
We have a saying at our house: "I can't give a whiner what she wants." If it is applied in time, it has been an effective tool at staving off many tantrums. But logic and reason are seldom employed in a child's brain. Especially when they hear the word NO, and that only supports the truth of the saying.
I don't like to say NO. I would much rather say YES. But I love my daughter too much to stop being a parent just because it would easy.
So, to the temptation to just give in, I say: NO!!!
About Me
- Mike
- Portland, OR, United States
- Husband, father of 2, Student - George Fox Evangelical Seminary - MDiv, Pastor (College and Young Adult), Outdoor Enthusiast, Athletically inclined...
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2 comments:
Jo (supernanny) would be so proud. It's funny, as much as I know how important it is to stick to your decision the way you did, now that I am a parent I have a profound new respect for how hard it is, on so many levels. Emotionally (I am depriving my child, I hate him/her being sad and could so easily change this to happiness with this one simple thing), socially (what do the visitors in my house think ... or even neighbors ... of this screaming child), and physically (if I gave in we could all just go to sleep in peace ... also what is it about that physical reaction of hearing your child's cry that makes you want to run to them and give them anything and everything that they want?).
In Tyler's first five weeks, there have only been a handful of times where I knew that all he needed was to just let himself cry to sleep. He was so exhausted and overstimulated and needed some quiet time alone. Still, letting him scream (SO HARD) for just those few minutes was like torture for me. Pretty much each time he completely passed out into a very peaceful sleep (often in 5 minutes).
I know this is right (obvious by the fact that he goes to sleep, while if I held him and "soothed" him he would actually have a harder time and sleep less soundly). However, walking the walk is just so harder than talking it. I never knew how hard it would be to say NO to my own child. I say NO to my husband 20 times a day for just about everything, and that's always been really easy :).
Anyhow, I am proud of your strength. That is what makes you and Sarah fabulous parents. I will be calling you in the future for moral support when Tyler insists on cookies at breakfast or whatever. Thanks for sharing! It also helps me appreciate even more the time I have with Tyler now when he is so little, and I can pretty much very easily make him happy 99.9% of the day with food, diapers, snuggles, & binkies. :) These are the days :) Jess
I too am proud of you for your decision to just say no and to stick with it!! Looking back, I can now see - with great clarity, I might add - just how INCONSISTENT I was as a parent!!! I'm so thankful that you and your sister were so successful in "raising yourselves" despite how I now see just how inconsistent your dad and I were with you kids in the discipline area!!
I always felt so rushed!! It was just easier to give in to keep the peace!!
Not to mention my dire threats to you both that I never carried through!! Just think; if I really cancelled Christmas the many times I told one or the other of you "if you don't stop/keep doing/whatever, I'm canacelling Christmas this year"! My oh my, we'd not be celebrating Christmas until about 2040!!!
So, I applaud you both for the fantastic, consistent, and level parents that you are, and for letting me get away with spoiling the grandkids rotten!!
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